Sunday, February 15, 2009

I'm On To You

Revlon, Clairol, Cover Girl: you're ALL guilty of it. I've busted up your plan, so you might as well just come clean now so we don't need to bother with any big court case. I'm feisty like that. All I need from you is an admission of guilt, you smarmy bastards.

It's so OBVIOUS what you're doing! Duh. How'd you think you could get away with these shenanigans, anyway? What'd you take me for?!?

Let's start with the cover-up meant to hide the under eye bags, shall we? Sure you make it LOOK like it will match my skin tone and everything, but it so clearly turns to ash grey when applied. I mean, HELLO? Why else would I have bags big enough for a week of laundry under my eyes even AFTER applying your product? Yeah, you, Mr. Executive. I'm on to your plan to make me keep buying more and more cover up. I actually thought it was black mascara under my eyes, but then I realized it was PERMANENT!

And, yeah...that makeup remover that cost a week of groceries? It won't even remove the dark grey stain your company PAINTED on there! I scrub and scrub and still it's there. What'd you do, mix black sharpie in with your makeup? A less determined soul might have actually believed it was her own AGING causing these ugly under eye bags. But not me - I know it's your evil ways making me look this haggered and...old.

And yes, I'm going to insist that we talk about the hair color too. You can run, honey, but there's no hiding from the likes of ME. You put that beautiful blond bimbo with the winning smile on the cover of the box just to taunt me, don't you? Well, willing to stop at nothing, I INSPECTED that product of yours. I practically SAW the grey-growing seeds you put in there. They obviously grow grey hairs at an alarming rate. The ones that flock to the temple area of my scalp, but are spreading across the back.

What? You can't possibly think I'm stupid enough to believe these grey hairs are the product of my LIFESTYLE or something? That's right. You're soooo busted.

Now in case you thought your face firming cream / wrinkle reducer was safe from scrutiny, think again. I'm OUTING you, suckah. That stuff grows wrinkles faster than a bag of fertilizer grows grass. Sure I may have bought more and more of it over the years in an attempt to slow the resemblance of my face to an unironed ashen colored pillowcase, but now I realize that you are actually CAUSING this! Let me ask you: just how can you sleep at night?

Push-up bras? Slimfast? I recommend you start packing your bags, cause you're next on my list. You guys are on THIN ICE.


patty said...

Bastards :)

Lee of MWOB said...

This is EXACTLY the reason why I usually don't wear any make-up at all. Wrinkles, dark circles, they're all still there but at least I'm saving money. :-)

Chloie said...

Right on! These ads are what make women go through anorexia and strive so hard to be perfect!

Laggin said...

Let me know when you capture 'em. I'll come over and help you smack 'em around a bit.

Jen W said...

It cost a bit more up front but I swear to you- head on down to your mall, swagger on up to the Prescriptives make up counter, and get yourself color printed.

I'm a Yellow/Orange and every lipstick, blush, foundation, eyeshadow- you name it looks good on my skin color.

Gone are the days of buying lipstick from the grocery store just to have it end up in the back of my makeup drawer never to see the light of day because it looked like total crap-ass once I took it out of the package.

Zip n Tizzy said...

I do believe you're on to something.

Ms Picket To You said...

dude, i just bought some CG lip stain. ripped it open walking out of CVS and applied in car. i look like a whore/clown woman. and apparently, in this case at least, the advert is true: IT WONT COME OFF

anymommy said...

So the whole no makeup harried mom of toddlers thing I've got going on is good. Is that what you're telling me?

Marry me.

VT Mom said...

I am convinced that we should all just tan the beejusus out of our faces. Then, the dark circles match the rest of your face. Wrinkles schminkles on the other hand are cold hard evidence that I have laughed mightily in my life!

Dana's Brain said...

Excuse me, how the F did I miss this post?????????? Clearly I must have fell off the Earth for a bit.

They are all jerks - and yet I am still a total make-up whore that will buy whatever they tell me to. *sigh*