Revlon, Clairol, Cover Girl: you're ALL guilty of it. I've busted up your plan, so you might as well just come clean now so we don't need to bother with any big court case. I'm feisty like that. All I need from you is an admission of guilt, you smarmy bastards.
It's so OBVIOUS what you're doing! Duh. How'd you think you could get away with these shenanigans, anyway? What'd you take me for?!?
Let's start with the cover-up meant to hide the under eye bags, shall we? Sure you make it LOOK like it will match my skin tone and everything, but it so clearly turns to ash grey when applied. I mean, HELLO? Why else would I have bags big enough for a week of laundry under my eyes even AFTER applying your product? Yeah, you, Mr. Executive. I'm on to your plan to make me keep buying more and more cover up. I actually thought it was black mascara under my eyes, but then I realized it was PERMANENT!
And, yeah...that makeup remover that cost a week of groceries? It won't even remove the dark grey stain your company PAINTED on there! I scrub and scrub and still it's there. What'd you do, mix black sharpie in with your makeup? A less determined soul might have actually believed it was her own AGING causing these ugly under eye bags. But not me - I know it's your evil ways making me look this haggered and...old.
And yes, I'm going to insist that we talk about the hair color too. You can run, honey, but there's no hiding from the likes of ME. You put that beautiful blond bimbo with the winning smile on the cover of the box just to taunt me, don't you? Well, willing to stop at nothing, I INSPECTED that product of yours. I practically SAW the grey-growing seeds you put in there. They obviously grow grey hairs at an alarming rate. The ones that flock to the temple area of my scalp, but are spreading across the back.
What? You can't possibly think I'm stupid enough to believe these grey hairs are the product of my LIFESTYLE or something? That's right. You're soooo busted.
Now in case you thought your face firming cream / wrinkle reducer was safe from scrutiny, think again. I'm OUTING you, suckah. That stuff grows wrinkles faster than a bag of fertilizer grows grass. Sure I may have bought more and more of it over the years in an attempt to slow the resemblance of my face to an unironed ashen colored pillowcase, but now I realize that you are actually CAUSING this! Let me ask you: just how can you sleep at night?
Push-up bras? Slimfast? I recommend you start packing your bags, cause you're next on my list. You guys are on THIN ICE.