Friday, December 12, 2008

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

Alright. You seem like a reasonable guy and all, so I'm gonna' give it to you straight. No beating around the bush. I'd like a new set of boobs please.

Now, please don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm a pretty grateful girl. I like to think that I can be satisfied with the little that I have. It's just that this set...well, this set I've got is just a little too little. Honestly, Santa. I've had this pair since I was in sixth grade. And they really haven't changed one little (even tiny) bit.

Here's the thing. My tatas have served me well. Albeit very small, they probably helped me to land my hottie husband in some way. I happen to know he's kind of a boob guy, and I ended up with him, so at least they didn't send him running in the other direction.

Also, my "girls" fed two babies for a YEAR a piece! That's pretty amazing stuff right there. They worked as barmaids for some pretty greedy customers. I'm sure you can concur that that is no easy job! I was hopeful that I would be able to enjoy the benefits of finally having respectably sized boobs, if even for a short time while nursing.

The thing is, Santa Claus (and I really hope you're not faint of heart in any way. I have to assume you've heard this type of thing before, what with being able to peek into people's bedrooms and stuff...)both of those babies preferred one boob over the other (what IS it with the left one, children?) and things got all out of whack around those parts. For those years of nursing, I was walking around with a D on one side and a smallish B on the other. It was a little awkward, as I'm sure you can imagine. And more than a little bit disappointing.

And then, post-barmaid gig, those now mean-spirited titties seemed to get even smaller than they were when they were pre-working girls, which I have to admit, is pretty close to concave. This has been a bit of a disappointment as well, if you must know.

Santa, I'm going to give it to you straight. I'm going to be forty next year, and I really haven't asked for much my whole life. (Don't go checking that claim please. Just believe me and move on. No one likes a skeptic.) I'd like a nice pair of evenly rounded out C cups please that I can display proudly. A touch of cleavage would be super, but I promise not to overexpose it at inappropriate times. Clearly, no one likes a bragger either. I've heard rumors, and I'm just putting this out there: if there is such a thing as the titty fairy, and you know her, could you please send her my way?


Oh. Just to clear up any confusion: I simply can't stand the idea of surgery, so please don't go suggesting that. That will NEVER fly. Also, I've tried wonderbras, waterbras, pushup bras, and flat out foam falsies. Clearly, I'd like to be all done with these as well. I'm asking point blank to wake up on a glorious Christmas morn with a brand new RACK.

Thank you, Santa. You're a real doll.

Hugs, kisses, and a little *flash* for good measure,

Susie

14 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

okay.... I'll give a little of what I have. It's somewhat SAGGY and FLOPPY but I definitely have some to SPARE!!!

Now, if Santa grants your wish, send his ass over here. I need some firmness, and I need it PRONTO.

Laggin said...

Hear hear for firmness. Gravity is WAY over rated!

Stephanie said...

This made me laugh out loud. "No one likes a skeptic." Just perfect!

Oh, I'll take a new pair as well. Could you let the big guy know?

Zip n Tizzy said...

May all your Christmas dreams come true.
It's not much to ask. Really.

Lilly's Life said...

Gravity isnt even rated - oh I totally agree with you it has been on my list for 10 years and the old guy have never delivered it yet! Maybe you'll get lucky!!

Jen W said...

"They worked as barmaids for some pretty greedy customers."

Now THAT just made my morning. Totally hilarious.

DCD said...

Love the "working girls." I have really never heard a better descripiton!!

I admit to being happy with the size of my girls - but the droopiness has GOT TO GO!

MilesPerHour said...

I work with a couple boobs I can send over...oh, not those kind of boobs. Well I hope you've been nice this year and Santa brings you what you want!

bernthis said...

If this whole thing pans out for you, CALL ME, IMMEDIATELY!

anymommy said...

Um, could you call me right after you call Bernthis? Please??

smiles4u said...

This is great...can I ask Santa for the same thing? I could have written this post except for the fact that I fed a couple more kids on these small boobs...and I, like you, came out smaller each time! Thanks for the great laugh!

Ms Picket To You said...

dude: careful what you wish for.

Shonda Little said...

I would just like for Santa to pull my boobs back up to my chest. They currently live in my lap.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

This is like "letters to playboy - the christmas edition." If it makes you feel any better, I ended up not being able to nurse and I got smaller after two pregnancies. There's no escape...

I'd like to ask Santa for a surgery-free nose job. I'm not asking for much - just a little straightening. Santa really needs to open a magical plastic surgery division to his workshop.