Thursday, November 13, 2008

Crowded

Who lives in me? How many of me are there in there? Honest to god, I have no idea.

I thought that once the real me emerged, or I forced her out of hiding, I'd breathe a sigh of relief and know for certain that my search was over. "Alas, I've been found," I'd sigh. Here I am. I'd carry on as Me.

I used to love to reinvent myself. I would show up at camp and declare myself "Sue" as opposed to the Susie everyone remembered from last summer. I would become a gymnast. A singer. A jockey. A jokester. A writer. Each day a new me. My identities changed with the wind.

But this game was more than just child's play. More.

I was looking, searching for the real one. The essence of the me I needed to rely on. I was playacting, fooling even the me's that were judging. "Look at her! The new one. She's such an intellectual!" I had everyone fooled. All of me.

I became the wife to an astounding man. I'm getting closer. My children were born and their pure beauty and courage and trust and wisdom dropped me to the floor. I was stricken by my love. I was a mother. I was found. I believed it was my essence being unveiled. Was this my core, finally exposed to those of me who needed to identify it?

Yes and no. There are more layers. More me's. I can't find the real one though. The One. They keep switching places right when I think I've got them pegged. There's a cloaked magician with dirty fingernails and wrinkly hands playing the shell game with all of the me's. I suppose I am the magician, the baffled audience and I'm under each shell.

I have a crowded soul. Let's all just try to get along.

9 comments:

Jen W said...

I don't think we ever fully become Me. It's an evolution, a process.

anymommy said...

A crowded soul. I love that. I think we all do. It's one of the great beauties of small children, their uncrowded souls. So glad to see a post, I missed your voice.

DCD said...

This post touches me. The many me's. I feel the same way - where, or which one, is the true "me?" Will I ever really know? Does it matter?

PS - so happy to hear from you again!

goodfather said...

Hi! Thanks for stopping by my blog. This is a great post! I've decided to let all the 'me's coexist too, heh.

Vodka Mom said...

With any luck, the real you will continue to change, grow, evolve and be loved. The journey is never-ending.

love your writing.

patty said...

I think I made peace with the plural-me a while back.

Either that, or the voices in my head stopped one day for no good reason.

Laggin said...

The many, many me's. (The punctuation-geek-me is confused about how to write me as a plural.) Yup. This rings so true. I feel like there are a bunch of me on the outside, but there's still that core...that thing that is me. It's just not that anyone but me really knows that me. Ya know?

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I have the distinction of being a "me" that my father didn't particularly like, and now I'm a "me" that my kids don't really like. Still, it's become necessary to me to continue forward.

Nice post.

Zip n Tizzy said...

"we're" right there with ya!